I am not sure, but for some reason my emotions have been out of control the last several months. The onion ninjas seem to attack me for no particular reason. Whether it’s a commercial for opioid induced constipation or watching hummingbirds feed outside my window, the damn onion ninja warriors attack. When I drive down the interstate, I cuss like a sailor, and hate everyone and get angry for no particular reason. I go from an emotional wreck to needing anger management in a split moment.
The fact that I have these nonsense emotions, does not seem to help with my depression, in fact often times just makes it worse. My mind continues to race with thoughts and false inspiration, and I don’t have any ways in which to control them. My friends invite me for outings, like fishing, BBQ’s, and dinner, yet I have no interest in social activities. I think because I really just don’t have the energy to deal with people or want to leave the house.
When my emotions seem to get the best of me, I also have a tendency to over spend money on things I really don’t need or want, but for some reason it makes me feel good about myself.
There are more, but these are just some of the daily things I struggle with along with my clinical depression, OCD and PTSD. And now with the 4th of July approaching, idiots are already lighting off fireworks and noise makers that just seem to make things worse for me.
I have recently connected with a lost loved one and am optimistic about our future and can’t wait to see where things lead. She has been my glue and support and has made me feel much better about myself and accepts me and all my faults. However, I am afraid of losing my mind and her, and now adding the trifecta of the possibility of being bipolar, who knows how she’ll react.